Lost

You may have noticed that I have been away from the blog for a short time. While I have been away, I have been recycling posts from tickety blog and reposting them on my other site, She Zine Mag.

There may come a time in the future when I integrate these two blogs completed and shift all of my attention over to She Zine, as I have found it increasingly difficult to manage multiple projects at once.

Especially recently, as I have been feeling exceedingly low and managing anything has been a challenge. I had 3 minor obligations today and I completely spaced on each of them. I just needed to keep my head on the pillow and the covers over my head and pretend like none of those things were happening.

You may recall that at my last psyche visit I was instructed to reduce my mood stabilizer (Epival) down from 1250mg to 1000mg. That is the least amount of that drug that I have been on in many years ago. Just a few months ago, I had been on 2000mg.

I was happy to reduce the medication because I feel that, with the addition of a regular mindfulness practice, I can control my mood more naturally. The active word there is practice and I am doing the best that I can, but I am far from being a master. I skip days, here and there. My mind wanders during my sessions and I have to pull myself back into my centre. But I am committed to it and I believe that I am making real progress.

Now I am questioning the reduction of the Epival. I think that maybe 1250mg maybe a good therapeutic level while I am learning to be more in control of my systems via non-medical means.

I have noted no fewer than 2 manic episodes, in quick succession, since the reduction. Of course these are followed by days of feeling exceptionally low. I am functioning, but at times, I feel like I am barely hanging on and I have been on the verge of making negative decisions for my care and with our family’s spending. Thankfully, there are safeguards in place and a string of people that I have to check up with before taking any of these steps, so I was protected.

It is a sometimes humiliating way to exist, but over and over again occurrences will arise that proves that this method of “parenting” over me is a necessity.

I am still waiting to learn if I have been approved for the rTMS study and until that time, I cannot return back to 1250mg while I am under consideration. I should’ve heard something last week, but that has been extended to the end of this week.

Should I not be approved to receive rTMS through the study, which I outlined in this post, I believe that I will still pursue access to rTMS treatment as an normal patient, in which case, I don’t think there will be so many restrictions around what medications that I am taking.

I am just eager for news. Am I in or out?? Just tell me already so I can begin making future plans for myself!!

SO, in the future, if you are finding that my posts are very few and far between on this site, click on over to shezinemag.com and you will find the same wellness information that you had grown to accept from this site. In fact, I will be exploring mental health issues on a much more broader scale to reach a wider group of people.

There are also feminist news pieces, fun lifestyle items, and DIY tutorials, so in the long run, merging the tickety blog and She Zine may be a wise call for everyone!

I will advise before my last post on tickety. I haven’t severed any ties quite yet.

 

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